I’ve been in a bad way. Throat on fire. Sinuses blocked.
I have established views on masala chai, but this situation called for spicy tea with honey, and I didn’t have access to any post-colonial street markets.
So I busted open a box that’s been sitting in the pantry waiting for a rainy, rainy, rainy day: Teany Imperial Masala Chai.
Unassuming brown box. Ok, good.
“With cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg & cardamom”. Great.
Loose leaf. Let’s dose up, baby!
I hit a heavy load – 1.5 packed teaspoons per cup – with boiling water straight out the pot. Steeped five minutes. Before slopping it up with a whole lot of milk and honey, in the interest of fair reviewing, I rawdogged a few sips.
I really talked myself into believing this was going to hit the spot and it was… Just so watery. It was in a bad way.
Here’s my theory: they diluted the concentration of tea leaves by adding weaksauce old spices. Not the kind your grandad wears.
Not enough tea leaves to make a good cuppa, and not enough spice to make up for it. Bad. Way.
The best thing I could say about it was it had a slightly bitter aftertaste, an indication that it did actually include tannins from a Camellia sinensis.
Pah.
When I added a bunch of honey and milk, the result was a kind of milky honey water with a hint of flavour. Probably perfect for your grandad.
Next day, I thought let’s give this thing its due and really juice it up. Three teaspoons per cup. Eight minutes steep.
Turns out, when you double the concentration of something with zero flavour, the result is still zero.
This is why we don’t try new things. I’m just going to go back to re-reviewing Marco Polo every day until I die. Which, given the state of my head, might be any moment. I’m still in a bad way.
